It feels like the morning after. Even though it is the morning after the morning after. The actual morning after just felt to unreal.
It's time to get going and put a price tag on the "Red Rocket" my old Geo Prizm. I'm hoping to get $500 dollars for it. I think it is worth it. I guess I'll bring it in to the car wash this weekend and give it a good cleaning. It'll be sad to say goodbye. I've held on to the car for too long already. I keep telling myself that I'll take my wife's old car into the shop and I'll use the "Rocket" for one final day or two. However that plan has been linger for at least two weeks now. So now the rocket is just costing me money to insure as it sits in front of our neighbors house. I'm sure our neighbor is less than happy about that. Sorry.
I was telling my wife that we are becoming a family of unfinished projects. She rightly pointed out that we are that family. We got the kitchen remodel 90% complete, our daughters play structure also 90% complete. We bought the new minivan but have yet to sell the old car, I'll give that a 95% complete. Our yard was partially landscaped by yours truly. The list goes on. This repeating pattern seems harder to break than I thought it would be. I'm guessing that this happens because we both enjoy working on the big picture but then when it comes down to the details things get less exciting and we loose interest.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
The adoption.
It finally came to a finish yesterday afternoon. The birthmother was unable to place her child with us. We knew she was on the fence the whole time. In retrospect we may have even known that this was always going to be the outcome. When it all started we told ourselves and her social worker that we didn't believe that she was going to follow through on an adoption but that we would go forward. We did this because we knew that the birthmother needed support and we kept a small dash of hope alive that she may place this child with us. In the end I think the decision she made was the best for us and hopefully her too. Her decision was very unstable and I believe that she could have been swayed in any direction right up to the end. Thank God she had some people around her who were not willing to make the decision for her because that is what she was looking for.
For us the worst part was the waiting. When we were at the hospital during the birth we waited in the lobby for over an hour before we were allowed to go in and see "our child". Both my wife and I felt that this was a very bad sign. We did then get to spend some time with the child and a whole host of other characters. It was very hard to connect with so many people around and with a birthmother who was scared to let us connect. We went back for a less chaotic visit later in the day and it was nice but still not a warm and loving experience. However, I was able to let "him" into my heart and I finally allowed my self to get excited about having a son. I don't want to say that this was a mistake but it definitely was my source of pain later. The following day the waiting continued. To make a long story short: The birhtmother spent all day flip flopping between her decision and the social worker kept checking in with us to tell us the latest position. Then finally late in the afternoon after my wife spoke with the birhtmother the social worker called back and said "she can't do it". What hurts from all of this is not so much that we "lost a child" because I don't quite feel that way but it is that I was very emotionally invest in these past few days and having it come to an end is a huge relief and it allowed all of the emotions to finally spill out.
So that is the short version of what went down. Now we are back in the adoption pool and preparing ourselves to start this crazy ride all over again someday.
It finally came to a finish yesterday afternoon. The birthmother was unable to place her child with us. We knew she was on the fence the whole time. In retrospect we may have even known that this was always going to be the outcome. When it all started we told ourselves and her social worker that we didn't believe that she was going to follow through on an adoption but that we would go forward. We did this because we knew that the birthmother needed support and we kept a small dash of hope alive that she may place this child with us. In the end I think the decision she made was the best for us and hopefully her too. Her decision was very unstable and I believe that she could have been swayed in any direction right up to the end. Thank God she had some people around her who were not willing to make the decision for her because that is what she was looking for.
For us the worst part was the waiting. When we were at the hospital during the birth we waited in the lobby for over an hour before we were allowed to go in and see "our child". Both my wife and I felt that this was a very bad sign. We did then get to spend some time with the child and a whole host of other characters. It was very hard to connect with so many people around and with a birthmother who was scared to let us connect. We went back for a less chaotic visit later in the day and it was nice but still not a warm and loving experience. However, I was able to let "him" into my heart and I finally allowed my self to get excited about having a son. I don't want to say that this was a mistake but it definitely was my source of pain later. The following day the waiting continued. To make a long story short: The birhtmother spent all day flip flopping between her decision and the social worker kept checking in with us to tell us the latest position. Then finally late in the afternoon after my wife spoke with the birhtmother the social worker called back and said "she can't do it". What hurts from all of this is not so much that we "lost a child" because I don't quite feel that way but it is that I was very emotionally invest in these past few days and having it come to an end is a huge relief and it allowed all of the emotions to finally spill out.
So that is the short version of what went down. Now we are back in the adoption pool and preparing ourselves to start this crazy ride all over again someday.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
MY biggest blog fan brought up a good question:
"....there are two things I've committed to seeing: the northern lights and Amsterdam. How about you? Or are there things you want to do?"
I haven't set any goals of places to go or things to do. However, there is much I would love to see and do. A friend of mine in L.A. once said to me that if you haven't done something that is reason enough to do it. I think that this is good advice. I've tried to leave my self open to accept more experiences. At this point in my life I can't expect that their will be a lot of travel to exotic places, but I haven't ruled it out for the future and when the future does come around who knows what will interest me. Right now I'm just concentrating on being happy with where I am, travel is going to be limited for some time to come. This doesn't bother me. A day spent with my daughter is worth more to me than any trip in the world at this point.
"....there are two things I've committed to seeing: the northern lights and Amsterdam. How about you? Or are there things you want to do?"
I haven't set any goals of places to go or things to do. However, there is much I would love to see and do. A friend of mine in L.A. once said to me that if you haven't done something that is reason enough to do it. I think that this is good advice. I've tried to leave my self open to accept more experiences. At this point in my life I can't expect that their will be a lot of travel to exotic places, but I haven't ruled it out for the future and when the future does come around who knows what will interest me. Right now I'm just concentrating on being happy with where I am, travel is going to be limited for some time to come. This doesn't bother me. A day spent with my daughter is worth more to me than any trip in the world at this point.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
One full hour of crying. Who can sleep through anything like that? The kid goes weeks without a problem. Then, Bam"!!! She spends the next few nights waking up between 1:00 and 5:00. She cries and yells and just refuses to go back to sleep. Why? Why, does this cycle exist?
I want to play basketball today but my next is still killing me. I'm hoping that the exercise will work out the knots. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
MY NECK!!!! This typing is beating me down. Can't c...o...n...t...i...n....u.....e......... Ahhhhhhhhhh!
I want to play basketball today but my next is still killing me. I'm hoping that the exercise will work out the knots. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
MY NECK!!!! This typing is beating me down. Can't c...o...n...t...i...n....u.....e......... Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
My back is killing me. I've got all this tension in my neck from work, home, adoption etc.... All I want to do is "veg-out" in front of the TV. I know I'll feel no better when I'm done. I've spent all day rubbing my neck and no progress. I completed my task at work that was weighing me down. I thought that would relieve some of my stress. I guess not.
I've got to part with my '93 Geo Prizm. It's parked outside just calling me to come and drive it. Now I'm driving the Corolla and it is great, however, the Geo is the only car I've known for 10 years. I'm going to miss it. I need to take some photos. I don't know if it will do her justice.
500 dollars that is all I can expect to get for her. What a shame. So many great years of service and now she's worth next to nothing. At least in monetary terms.
I've got to get to the library!
I've got to part with my '93 Geo Prizm. It's parked outside just calling me to come and drive it. Now I'm driving the Corolla and it is great, however, the Geo is the only car I've known for 10 years. I'm going to miss it. I need to take some photos. I don't know if it will do her justice.
500 dollars that is all I can expect to get for her. What a shame. So many great years of service and now she's worth next to nothing. At least in monetary terms.
I've got to get to the library!
Sunday, March 21, 2004
Thursday, March 18, 2004
It is absoultely fantastic to check my blog and see comments even if they are all from my sitster. I don't care it still makes me feel great!
I keep debating whether I should start to write about our pending adoption or not and I keep coming to the same conclusion. Not. I still feel very protective of my emotions around this and I hope that when "it" finally goes down that I can do a big download of everything that we have been going through.
My mind is on work right now and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on writing. Basically I keep making a list in my head of everything I need to do within the next few working days to make things right with my project. I've got a heck of a lot of stuff to take care of and I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. It just seems as if since the begining of this year that a good portion of my day at work is spent dealing or maybe just worrying about things at home. My "life/work" balance isn't good right now, at least not mentally. When there are big life events going on I often use work as a means of escape. The down side is during these times I don't have the time to throw my self completely into work because I know I have more important things outside of work. Then I just keep turning this cycle of opposing thoughts over and over in my head and the end result is little progress in both areas.
I keep debating whether I should start to write about our pending adoption or not and I keep coming to the same conclusion. Not. I still feel very protective of my emotions around this and I hope that when "it" finally goes down that I can do a big download of everything that we have been going through.
My mind is on work right now and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on writing. Basically I keep making a list in my head of everything I need to do within the next few working days to make things right with my project. I've got a heck of a lot of stuff to take care of and I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. It just seems as if since the begining of this year that a good portion of my day at work is spent dealing or maybe just worrying about things at home. My "life/work" balance isn't good right now, at least not mentally. When there are big life events going on I often use work as a means of escape. The down side is during these times I don't have the time to throw my self completely into work because I know I have more important things outside of work. Then I just keep turning this cycle of opposing thoughts over and over in my head and the end result is little progress in both areas.
Time. That's what is lacking. I thought I would have time to write every morning. I don't. I like to read the news and I take care of my daughter until 8:00am. She is usually the one who wakes up and captures my morning time. My original plan was to use the morning to post my thoughts to this blog. It aint workin'. Right now she is sucking down a sippy cup full of milk with what appears to be overwhelming passion. She loves milk more than life it seems.
Monday, March 15, 2004
I talked to Dad tonight. He sounded tired but excited to talk. The little one was such a handful I had to help control her and got off the phone early. Maybe I'll send him an email. I felt like that guy in the song. You know the one "...my boy was just like me, yeah. He'd grown up just like me." I really wish I had been able to make time for him. Dads are important. I feel a lot better now I just wrote Dad a nice e-mail to get him up to speed on where our adoption stands and on the MiniVan.
The MiniVan has been a nice distraction. We have a lot to tell about our latest adoption "prospect" for much lack of a better word. We are holding a lot of the information close and it is not for release until something goes down. And something may be going down really soon and it both feels like something is coming while also feeling like something is not coming. Meanwhile I keep thinking things like "How the hell are we really going to pay for this car" and "I've got to do the damn taxes!!"
When we bought this house I thought this is great it is like having rent that never goes up. The problem is you need your earnings to go up to actually have such a thing become an advantage. That has yet to happen. Damn company!!
I'd really like to have more music. I've been listening to internet radio a lot at work and it's great. There is a lot of good stuff out there and I've started to write down some of the performers. For some reason I keep thinking "I don't want to buy a CD" they are useless. Yet I really don't have a computer system setup to interact with our stereo nor do I have an MP3 player. I never have any of these new gadgets but I sure would love to have them.
How many of the same meals have I eaten in my life. If I really start to think about meat and how it is processed, what they feed the animals and how they are treated. Gross!! Maybe I could be a vegetarian. Then I have a good piece of prosciutto and I think this is great who cares where it comes from.
The MiniVan has been a nice distraction. We have a lot to tell about our latest adoption "prospect" for much lack of a better word. We are holding a lot of the information close and it is not for release until something goes down. And something may be going down really soon and it both feels like something is coming while also feeling like something is not coming. Meanwhile I keep thinking things like "How the hell are we really going to pay for this car" and "I've got to do the damn taxes!!"
When we bought this house I thought this is great it is like having rent that never goes up. The problem is you need your earnings to go up to actually have such a thing become an advantage. That has yet to happen. Damn company!!
I'd really like to have more music. I've been listening to internet radio a lot at work and it's great. There is a lot of good stuff out there and I've started to write down some of the performers. For some reason I keep thinking "I don't want to buy a CD" they are useless. Yet I really don't have a computer system setup to interact with our stereo nor do I have an MP3 player. I never have any of these new gadgets but I sure would love to have them.
How many of the same meals have I eaten in my life. If I really start to think about meat and how it is processed, what they feed the animals and how they are treated. Gross!! Maybe I could be a vegetarian. Then I have a good piece of prosciutto and I think this is great who cares where it comes from.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
The MiniVan.
We picked up our used Toyota Sienna this morning. What a little moment of confusion. All the paperwork to understand. Plus we met this woman and she opened the van door and her two kids (ages: 3 and 5) are sitting in it. It just seemed kind of strange, you know like "what are you kids doing in my car". We are speculating that the couple selling us the car are getting a divorce. It is just a feeling that we've gotten as we have delt with them over the past few days. They don't really seem to communicate with each other. I hate to judge people on their looks but that is exactly what we are doing to these people. They are like the super-suburbanites. She has bleached blonde hair and over sized well manicured nails. He drives around in a white Jag and they live in a McMansion.
I had a roommate in college once say "Stereotypes exist because they are true". It is such an awful blanket statement but it probably carries some amount of truth. I'm sure there are aspects of my life that could be easily stereo-typed but even so they don't define me as a person. But when you are dealing with someone for such a small moment in time the stereo-type may define them. I guess that is OK.
We picked up our used Toyota Sienna this morning. What a little moment of confusion. All the paperwork to understand. Plus we met this woman and she opened the van door and her two kids (ages: 3 and 5) are sitting in it. It just seemed kind of strange, you know like "what are you kids doing in my car". We are speculating that the couple selling us the car are getting a divorce. It is just a feeling that we've gotten as we have delt with them over the past few days. They don't really seem to communicate with each other. I hate to judge people on their looks but that is exactly what we are doing to these people. They are like the super-suburbanites. She has bleached blonde hair and over sized well manicured nails. He drives around in a white Jag and they live in a McMansion.
I had a roommate in college once say "Stereotypes exist because they are true". It is such an awful blanket statement but it probably carries some amount of truth. I'm sure there are aspects of my life that could be easily stereo-typed but even so they don't define me as a person. But when you are dealing with someone for such a small moment in time the stereo-type may define them. I guess that is OK.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
I've just found the coolest thing it is called RSS. All the webheads are probably all over it. However, I read an article in Slate that explained this tool and you've got to check it out. I'm using SharpReader to take advantage of RSS. It is basically a great new way to organize web sites to make searching for the news and articles that you read daily very simple. Check it out.
If I wanted to make this Blog interesting I'd start to write about how we may be adopting a child soon but I really don't want to get into it.
If I wanted to make this Blog interesting I'd start to write about how we may be adopting a child soon but I really don't want to get into it.
Monday, March 08, 2004
I have this thought almost everyday: "When am I going to get a raise". I hate the fact that money has become so important in my life. Honestly though, I've been with the company for over three years and they have only given out one raise, you know due to the economic situation and all. I love my job and the people I work with but I'm beginning to hate the company.
I've got so much stuff to do at home and yet I sit on my ass more than I should. I love to just relax on the weekends but this family thing really increase the level of responsibilities. On the up side I love my wife and my daughter is a little miracle but I just wish there were less worries and we could live it up a little more than we do.
I've got so much stuff to do at home and yet I sit on my ass more than I should. I love to just relax on the weekends but this family thing really increase the level of responsibilities. On the up side I love my wife and my daughter is a little miracle but I just wish there were less worries and we could live it up a little more than we do.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
How come I can find the time to write this stuff, yet I don't have the time to email my friends or family? I've got to find time to wash my dogs. The smell is horrendous. I'm really thinking a photo-blog is the way to go. The problem is I need to get a good digital camera. I need $500 to fall into my lap. This damn MiniVan search is driving me crazy. We found one with really low miles for a great price but not all of the options. I'm sick of looking around.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Monday, March 01, 2004
Monday morning. The baby monitor is off so I need to tune my ears to my daughter's morning sounds. She can go from a whisper to a roar in no time at all.
Tomorrow I need to get my new license. I've been living in this state for almost three years and I'm still driving with an out of state license. How come some of life's easiest task are monumental for me. Here's another one, take my wife's car to the shop. I've been meaning to do this for well over a month. My car is a wreck. We are having company come this Tuesday. I need to clean my car today. It has gotten to the point where I'm embarrassed by my own car. The paint job has turned from shiny red to a powder red and with the missing hub cap it is like I'm driving around a car with a black eye.
I'm not really hungry this morning. Yesterday I had to run to the store to purchase some paint thinner and I bought a dollar bag of malt balls. I ate almost the whole thing on my 3min ride home. What was that all about?
Tomorrow I need to get my new license. I've been living in this state for almost three years and I'm still driving with an out of state license. How come some of life's easiest task are monumental for me. Here's another one, take my wife's car to the shop. I've been meaning to do this for well over a month. My car is a wreck. We are having company come this Tuesday. I need to clean my car today. It has gotten to the point where I'm embarrassed by my own car. The paint job has turned from shiny red to a powder red and with the missing hub cap it is like I'm driving around a car with a black eye.
I'm not really hungry this morning. Yesterday I had to run to the store to purchase some paint thinner and I bought a dollar bag of malt balls. I ate almost the whole thing on my 3min ride home. What was that all about?
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