The adoption.

It finally came to a finish yesterday afternoon. The birthmother was unable to place her child with us. We knew she was on the fence the whole time. In retrospect we may have even known that this was always going to be the outcome. When it all started we told ourselves and her social worker that we didn't believe that she was going to follow through on an adoption but that we would go forward. We did this because we knew that the birthmother needed support and we kept a small dash of hope alive that she may place this child with us. In the end I think the decision she made was the best for us and hopefully her too. Her decision was very unstable and I believe that she could have been swayed in any direction right up to the end. Thank God she had some people around her who were not willing to make the decision for her because that is what she was looking for.

For us the worst part was the waiting. When we were at the hospital during the birth we waited in the lobby for over an hour before we were allowed to go in and see "our child". Both my wife and I felt that this was a very bad sign. We did then get to spend some time with the child and a whole host of other characters. It was very hard to connect with so many people around and with a birthmother who was scared to let us connect. We went back for a less chaotic visit later in the day and it was nice but still not a warm and loving experience. However, I was able to let "him" into my heart and I finally allowed my self to get excited about having a son. I don't want to say that this was a mistake but it definitely was my source of pain later. The following day the waiting continued. To make a long story short: The birhtmother spent all day flip flopping between her decision and the social worker kept checking in with us to tell us the latest position. Then finally late in the afternoon after my wife spoke with the birhtmother the social worker called back and said "she can't do it". What hurts from all of this is not so much that we "lost a child" because I don't quite feel that way but it is that I was very emotionally invest in these past few days and having it come to an end is a huge relief and it allowed all of the emotions to finally spill out.

So that is the short version of what went down. Now we are back in the adoption pool and preparing ourselves to start this crazy ride all over again someday.